It started with a frustrated question as I watched my daughter throw up (again).
“Do transgender kids miss more school than their cisgender peers?”
I posted it on my personal Facebook page and a friend immediately responded that kids who are bullied tend to miss more school.
I started to type this statement: “To the best of my knowledge, Conner isn’t being bullied. I mean, she IS being discriminated against by the school system . . .,” and that’s when I stopped typing and started crying.
She IS being bullied. She’s being bullied by the school system that tells her to stand up against bullies. I never made that connection before.
“Maybe,” I thought to myself, “Maybe, I am mistaking what the word “bullying” really means.”
So, I did what anyone else would do and I googled it. This is the first definition that popped up:
“Use superior strength or influence to intimidate someone, typically to force him or her to do what one wants. ”
That’s exactly what’s happening here.
The school system:
Is not allowing her to use the girl’s bathroom
Asked her not to disclose her own personal information because they weren’t educated on how to respond to questions from parents and students.
Due to the former, put her in a situation where she felt like she had to lie about why she wasn’t using the girl’s bathroom so as not to get in trouble for disclosing that she was transgender.
Is not creating a culture where she feels safe to openly be who she is
Is not creating a culture of safety for other LGBT kids
Is creating a stressful environment where she has to be the one doing the educating instead of the other way around.
I should stop and let you know that I appreciate many people in the school system who are hoping to make things better. I understood why they needed time to get educated. The school system as a whole was completely unprepared for us.
I am frustrated because they’ve known about transgender and gender non-conforming kids in the school system before we arrived and didn’t start working on changes at that point. They recognize now that they need to make changes and we are actually meeting this week to discuss where things stand and how to move forward. That’s great. I acknowledge the work being done. But, why did it take my kid (and my mouth??) to prompt these changes?
I really wish they could hear some of the conversations my daughter has had with her healthcare team. I wish they could see how stressed she gets and how it leads to throwing up. I wish they could understand the toll it takes on her to be in an environment where she is constantly wondering if she is safe. Or if she’s going to get in trouble for talking about who she is. Of being in an environment where she is doing the educating; where she is leading a culture change.
There are transgender kids in every school system across our nation. Too many times, schools are not updating their policies towards transgender kids until faced with parents who won’t go away. Too often, a child is discriminated against, which prompts the school system to realize that their policies need changed.
Why are we okay with that? Why aren’t educators leading the change here? Why are we forcing children to create their own path because one doesn’t exist for them in their school? Why are we asking children to carry the burden of educating their teachers and their peers?
Why aren’t schools creating a culture where kids feel safe to ask the tough questions? Why are the schools participating in a form of bullying because of outdated policies and lack of education?
I want to close by saying that my daughter did come out to her friends a few weeks ago. She started by asking them if they knew what transgender meant. Their response?
“Everybody knows what transgender is unless they are a baby or an old person.”
Think about that response for a second. Your child probably knows more about transgender issues than you do.
The end to that coming out story? After some typical grade school drama, her best friend said, “You can stop trying to explain because it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you are my friend.” High five to that kid. That was over a month ago and there’s been no more discussion about it because it’s not a big deal to our kids. It’s a big deal to the school.
Our children are teaching the educators if they will only stop to listen.
Kids get it. It’s the adults who make it more complicated than it needs to be.
Mike and I chose to be fairly silent about what was happening in our house during the early days because we didn’t know what was happening. We had the luxury of living sixteen hours away from the closest family member and could be very selective about who we spoke to. Clearly, the neighbors knew something was up because suddenly our four year old was wearing headbands and proclaiming to the world that it was okay to wear dresses. We hit the jackpot by being situated between two of the coolest neighbors ever with equally awesome kids. They completely took it in stride like it was no big deal and told Conner how great she looked.
We also had become really close to another couple with twins a year older than ours. I’ve dubbed them “framily” because while we aren’t related I consider them family. There were many moments that I sat weeping in their kitchen, plied with coffee or wine depending on the time of day, while our kids played in the backyard. We were so blessed to have a network of support during that time while we figured out what was going on and how to proceed. I wasn’t intentionally trying to avoid my family, but I didn’t have any answers and I was a total wreck when I talked about it. So, I chose to save face a little bit until we knew more.
Once we had met with our therapist and pediatrician, I did have multiple lengthy conversations with our parents. Our whole family had recognized for quite some time that Conner was different in ways that we couldn’t quite put our finger on, so when I shared the diagnosis with them they were surprised and yet not. The specific diagnosis was a surprise, but it also cleared up a lot of questions for them. Understandably, it opened up a whole new set of questions that we are still discovering the answers to five years later.
Once we told our parents, we decided to share the news with the rest of our family and close friends through a letter. I’ve been upfront that we struggled. Despite being a straight ally for LGBT issues, I was completely unaware that transgender kids even existed. It had just never crossed my mind. I knew I wouldn’t be the only one of our loved ones who had no idea what being transgender meant. While it wasn’t a difficult decision to support our child, we did have to do a lot of self-education about the differences between gender and sexuality. My husband and I decided to allow our loved ones the same opportunity to examine their hearts privately without needing to give us an immediate reaction. We included an article about gender identity disorder from the Children’s National Health System as well as several links to supportive websites (many are in the resources tab). We’d also had recent family photos done at a local park to show that we looked just like any other family with a son and a daughter.
We were nervous as we handed 100 letters to the post office, but also very secure in our decision. We knew that supporting Conner was the right choice and were hopeful that our loved ones would agree with us. We’d heard horror stories from so many other parents about family fights, loved ones refusing to switch pronouns, or friends dropping off the face of the planet. We knew that was a distinct possibility but we were also prepared to discover who our allies would be.
The response was immediate and almost completely positive. I would encourage anyone at the start of this journey to withhold preconceived ideas about who will support you and who won’t. I was shocked both by who was supportive and by who wasn’t. We did lose a few friends and even fewer family members, but almost everyone was accepting. We knew that a visit home to see our loved ones would help a lot as Conner was so happy and exuberant that it confirmed every decision we’d made. We allowed our loved ones to read the letter, take time to process it, then made plans to spend two weeks back home to introduce our new family.
Here’s the letter we sent. Feel free to use it for yourself. It’s a compilation of many letters we’d seen from other parents.
Dear Friends and Family,
We hope all is well with you and allow us to apologize for sending a form letter to so many of our loved ones. Our family has important information to share and we felt a letter would be the easiest way to explain a lot of what’s been going on recently. This gives us the opportunity to share a lot of information and you the chance to react to this news privately and honestly without worrying that your reaction may offend or upset us. Don’t worry, everyone is healthy, and Mike and I are still happily married.
Many of you who have spent time with us over the past four years have probably noticed that Conner has often shown preference for toys and clothes for girls. I know we’ve giggled when he put towels on his head like hair or wore all of my sister’s bracelets and squealed over her shoes. These behaviors are often a normal part of the natural curiosity of children. However, over the past year, Conner has been showing more and more behaviors that caused us enough concern that we’ve involved our pediatrician, spoken to a number of experts across the country, and traveled to Chicago to have Conner evaluated by a therapist who works with children with gender identity concerns.
We have recently learned that Conner has a medical condition called Gender Identity Disorder (GID). I have enclosed some web links about this medical condition if you would like to read them, but in short, Conner’s brain tells him he is a girl even though he has a boy’s anatomy. The benchmark of GID is the marked distress a child feels when forced into the gender of his or her anatomical sex. Last fall, Conner tried to tell us that he was a girl, but it took us until a few months ago when Conner wanted to get rid of his penis and talked about cutting it off with a knife or scissors that we realized something was very wrong. This would be an example of the “marked distress” that indicates Gender Identity Disorder.
There are a few theories about what causes GID. Some of the tests we don’t have technology for yet. What is clear, however, is that this is not a choice. Conner is not choosing to be a girl anymore than Melissa is.
In terms of treatment options, trying to convince Conner that he is a boy does not work. We have been doing that for years and it hasn’t worked. In fact, it has caused Conner a lot of stress and anxiety, especially over the past year, because we thought his questions about why he couldn’t be a girl were an indication of confusion. For months, we kept correcting Conner and telling him he was a boy and would grow up to be a man. Instead of getting better, Conner became more and more upset. There is not a way to “correct” him without causing him more harm and that is not an option for us. We have recently decided to allow him to be who he is, a girl. This means we are letting Conner wear whatever clothes feel most comfortable. We tried to use gender-neutral pronouns, but this too caused Conner enough anxiety that we have started referring to Conner as “her” instead of “him.”
This has not been easy for us and will, no doubt, be hard for many of you as well. That’s okay. We know you love us and want the best for us-that’s why you’re getting this letter. We want you to understand what this means so that we can all be honest with each other about our concerns and our fears.
What does the future hold? Will Conner grow out of it? Will the hormones kick in and regulate? Will Conner’s brain change to support the extra bits she was born with? We don’t know. What we do know is that both Conner and Murphy are happy vibrant children that love the world around them.
Murphy has handled the changes in Conner very well. There have been a few fights over who gets to wear the sparkly pink flip-flops, who’s turn it is to play with the Barbie Princess Fairy, and who gets to grow up and be a mommy. You know, the usual sibling fights. Murphy is making out like a bandit as we have tried to show that being a girl is not better than being a boy, so both kids are sporting a lot of new clothes and toys. We couldn’t do it without the help of friends with hand me downs and resale shops.
We are not overly concerned about kindergarten. We have a lot of neighborhood kids that have been very supportive of Conner and Murphy, which is encouraging us that kids don’t care about gender as much as we think they do.
We will be getting some help with educating the school where our kids will be attending this fall. We’re just as excited as any family getting ready for the first day of kindergarten. Of course, we do have concerns and we’re not unaware of the potential for teasing. However, we believe that supporting both of our children to be who they are is more important that forcing them to conform to the expectations of others to avoid teasing.
We plan on visiting soon. You should be aware that Conner will be dressed like a little girl and we will refer to her as being a little girl. We ask that you also refer to Conner by her name or as “she” and “her” especially in her presence. I have included some recent photos of our kids at the park so you can see that our family remains as normal as we ever were.
We welcome any questions about this, as education is the key to understanding. You are all very important to us. We will not welcome ridicule, criticism, and sarcasm. We trust that you will respect us as a family navigating through life with a child who has a medical condition. I ask that you call us with your questions instead of bombarding our parents. Our parents have also only recently heard this news as we wanted to speak to experts, get second opinions, and have Conner evaluated by a therapist before making big announcements. Our parents are still dealing with their own emotions so I ask that you respect their privacy during this time and not overwhelm them with questions they can’t answer. Mike and Melissa are happy to engage in discussion about this and answer any questions you have. Thank you for your love and support.
Mike and Melissa
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/57565555@N00/3196058783″>Rural Mailbox</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>